Is “being sorry” necessary?

From an early age, many of us were taught or expected to tell others we are sorry when conflict happens. Often it is done in the context of children learning right from wrong. Saying sorry becomes indirectly connected to the idea that some one was wrong for what happened. Apologizing may feel as though issues are being swept under the rug to avoid the discomfort of the moment. At times in your life you may have thought that “being sorry” seemed more meaningless than it should.

As we mature, we experience relationships as more complicated than right or wrong. We must recognize anyone could have a unique perception of the same event. More conflicts arise over differences in perspectives, where either party does not value other perspectives. The concept or right or wrong in these contexts is unhelpful because no one has a cornerstone on truth. Expecting one correct perspective leads to invalidation and gaslighting. Attempts to bring both parties to one perspective often corrodes trust.  Resolving conflict in relationships does not often require admission of “being wrong” from either side.

Resolving a conflict accomplishes the goal of allowing others to know emotionally how we experienced their behaviors. They can validate our perspective, express concern and a share a willingness to change the behavior. Usually, when we are hurt in relationships, we want to know the other person cares about how we feel and will work to change the pattern.

Ultimately, accountability is more likely to lead to change in a relationship. Sorry frames a conflict over what was is right or wrong which is a mere difference of opinion. On the other hand, accountability frames the conflict through seeing how we can inadvertently impact people we care about. We recognize that we were already experienced negatively, and we cannot change that experience.  And it’s also okay—we haven’t necessarily done anything wrong and we are all fallible. When we know our impact on others, we are more committed to change if staying the same leads to hurts people we care about.  

All Therapists are Jerks, and . . .: Ep 16. Conflict Resolution (libsyn.com)

All Therapists are Jerks, and . . .: Val 2: Accountability (libsyn.com)