Is it my fault my child suffers?

DBT is a no blame model. Therapists are not looking to place fault with parents. They also respect the biosocial theory, believing that change is transactional. Individuals are affected by their environment and environments are affected by individuals. Human development and behaviors do not happen in a vacuum.

To respect the biosocial theory, clinicians must explore for patterns within family systems and environments that reinforce ineffective or self-destructive behaviors. When the environment is contributing to suffering, it will need to be addressed. Clinicians will be seeking accountability for behaviors that have contribute to a loved one suffering or that compete with the goal of the client building a life worth living.

Our experience has been that parents do contribute to their children's suffering, however it most commonly happens unintentionally outside awareness. Emotionally reactive individuals experience things in ways that others cannot appreciate. Parents need to be much more aware of environmental/ systemic invalidation and how that impacts those who are emotionally sensitive. Ultimately each need to recognize that we all can experience the same event, but we perceive that reality differently based on our lived experiences. A major goal within family therapy is helping parents see through the eyes of an emotionally sensitive individual.

It's a good news bad news scenario. The bad news is you matter enough to have contributed to your loved one’s suffering. The good news is you matter. There are powerful things you can do to support their recovery. Validation of their experience is an important first step.  Ultimately accountability is one of the most healing things we can experience to establish trust in a relationship that is hurting or distant.   

All Therapists are Jerks, and . . .: Ep 30. Biosocial 1.3: Environmental Invalidation (libsyn.com)

All Therapists are Jerks, and . . .: Ep 29. Biosocial 1.2: Behavioral Dysregulation (libsyn.com)

All Therapists are Jerks, and . . .: Val 2: Accountability (libsyn.com)

All Therapists are Jerks, and . . .: Ep 13. Validation (libsyn.com)

All Therapists are Jerks, and . . .: Ep 14. Levels of Validation (libsyn.com)